Shop tools explained (thanks Tracy)

[Justin T. Wittwer]

Mr. DeBerg sent me this explanation of shop tools, very difinitive and helpful:
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in
the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the
corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about
the time it takes you to say, "Oh, ****!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a
crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used
to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects
in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a
bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you
have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to cut
good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily
fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the
line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for
opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to
strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert
common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent
part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Similarly used
to locate fingers or thumbs on the opposite hand.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in
plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and
rubber or plastic parts. It is especially useful for slicing
work clothes, but only while in use.

SOB TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "Son of a b" at the top of your
lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will
need

[Tracy DeBerg]

Some of these have happened to most of us at some time.